


It's Not A Mirror Image, It's My Worst Fear

by SombraLuna



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depressed Sam, Depressed Sam Winchester, Depression, Other, Suicide Attempt, and its aready weird, charlie saves him, first fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-05-19 04:05:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14866277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SombraLuna/pseuds/SombraLuna
Summary: Sam doesn't know what to do anymore. He's tired and he's scared. It's not okay for him.





	1. I Can't Wait For An Answer

**Author's Note:**

> HHHHHHHHHHHHHH FIRST FANFIC AND ITS ANGSTY THANKS I KNOW

Sam Winchester wasn't the strongest, or the coldest and he most certainly was not the most perfect hunter. He tried. He really did. He wasted so many years trying to cling onto the hope that someone would be out there to tell him that he didn't need to be strong or do the right thing.

Luckily, Charlie Bradbury existed. Charlie had seen Sam's old scars, and she knew some of them weren't from hunting. She knew his high pain tolerance and his jumping at every chance to sacrifice himself or to die wasn't heroic. She could read him like an open book. She could see Dean's dulled interest in everything, and see the old soldier ways in Castiel.

Of course, Charlie didn't let certain things slide, but she certainly wasn't going to harass her friends about their depression and experiences. She was going to be there to support them, even if they didn't want it, because Charlene Bradbury was not a quitter, and she was not a bad friend. 

 

Sam trudged to his bedroom. Today, he just couldn't find the will to do anything. Everything was like being in hell again, and it certainly didn't help that he had actually gone to hell. Maybe today would be he day where he finally died on a hunt and no one could bring him back. 

"Sam?" Charlie knocked on his door. "Can we talk?" 

Sam sighed, but stood up to let her in. "Sure. What's up?" His fake smile sank when he saw the concerned look in her eyes. "Charlie, what's going on?"

She closed the door behind her and pulled him so they were sitting on his bed. "I've seen the way your eyes look as how you're no longer here. I've seen the way you would kill to finally be dead, and I've seen the scars on your body that I know aren't from hunting." 

"Charlie, sometimes you need to use blood for rituals and-" 

She cut him off by clapping a hand over his mouth. "No, Sam, I've seen the other ones. You know, the ones that you think no one will care about because they're on your ribs or legs," she paused. "I've seen the scars that match the ones I made when I was a teenager. Sam, please. I know you use pain as a coping mechanism to deal with stuff no one else can handle." 

He clenched his jaw and took a deep breath. "Fine, I'll talk. But some things I'm not telling you and I definitely don't want you to tell anyone else." 

She grinned. "Promise." 


	2. I'm So Tired Of Being Lonely

"I'm tired," Sam began. 

"Of what?" Charlie say facing Sam, her arms wrapped around her knees and her eyes wide. "Of being alive?" 

"Of being lonely." Sam took a deep breath. "When I was younger, before I met Jess, I tried to kill myself because I would never be good enough. I was so... alone. And then I wasn't. But then I remember that unlike my brother, I want a happy life and a wife and kids and a couple dogs. I want to live with the people I love most in the world, and I want a family." 

Charlie nodded. "So you want to build your own family?" 

"Yes." Sam shook his head. "No. Maybe. I want to be with so many people that I love, and not just my brother and Cas and you. You guys are great, don't get me wrong, but I also want to wake up next to the love of my life, tell my children good morning, and take my dogs on a walk. I want to feel real happiness again. I want to feel love. I want to just... go back to the days where I was with Jess and I had proposed to her and we were happy."

"Sam..." 

"I know, it's stupid." 

"No!" Charlie grabbed his shoulders. "It suits you!" 

Sam raised an eyebrow. "Really?" 

"Hell yeah! Come on! I will always support you, and I think you deserve to have the good life one day. I don't want you to feel like you aren't good enough, Sam. You are. I promise." 


	3. Dammit Sammy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dude i think you can tell by the chapter title
> 
> like  
> if youve seen supernatural you know whats gonna happen lmao

Sam woke up with a throbbing headache and extreme nausea. It was worse than usual on a weekend with no case, so he lazily pulled the trashcan towards the edge of his bed and vomited up last night's sandwich. After the general nastiness passed, he noticed his arms stung. Had he been doing some spells?

A quick look disproved his previous theory. Gashes and clean cuts littered his arms, and dried blood stained his skin. The knife on his bedside table was covered in blood. 

"Goddammit," he groaned. "How the hell?"

"Sammy? You up?" Dean pounded on his door. "C'mon asshole, breakfast is ready. It'll help your hangover."

Sam's eyes opened wide and he rubbed his eyes frantically and cleared his throat. "I'll be out in a minute dude!" He yelled. "Have you seen Cass, by the way?" 

"Yeah, he's in the kitchen. Get your lazy ass up." 

Sam listened until Dean's footsteps had faded away so he could attempt to shower. He regretted it the second he stepped into the water. The cuts were deep and burned. Sam had to resist the urge to groan or scream in pain.  _Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit what the hell happened last night?_ As he violently sucked air through his teeth, he heard Cass's voice through the door. 

"Sam? Dean said you needed me. Did you get injured or have a question?" 

Perfect. Cass could heal him, and everything would be okay. He quickly wrapped a towel around himself and opened the door. "Hey Cass." 

"Hello, Sam."

"I, uh, need you to heal me." He tried to keep his voice from quivering.

"What happened last night? I did not see you leave the Bunker. I mean, you did take a couple tequila bottles in here, but you never left. Did something happen? I thought you were a happy drunk." 

Sam cleared his throat nervously. "Here," he muttered, thrusting his arms towards Castiel. 

Cass's eyes widened, and filled with worry when Sam's wouldn't even meet his. "Sam, what happened?" 

"I don't friggin' know dude!" He felt his heart beat faster. "You know what, I was stupid. I shouldn't have asked for your help. Just don't tell Dean, please. Or Charlie." 

"Too late, Sam." 

Sam slowly turned to see Charlie and Dean staring into the open door of his bedroom. 

"Dammit Sammy! Why didn't you tell us?" Dean's green eyes bored holes into his and he felt as if he was being ripped apart. 

"I-" 

"Sam, why?" 

Sam did the only thing he could think of. He ran back into the bathroom and locked the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thought i was gonna end the story and make it a shitty vent for my deep seated emotional issues but no now its a goddamn story and if that aint progress i dunno what is


	4. Don't Open The Door

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He can't open the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i havent been depressed or inspired enough to write more of this fic, but here's another chapter because i feel obligated to and i think my writing has kinda improved!!!!! also im a highschooler so please give me time to update school is crazy

Sam buried his head between his knees and leaned his body against the bathroom door in an attempt to keep Dean, Cass, and Charlie out. He closed his eyes and prayed to no one but himself. It was an empty scream berating himself and asking himself to have the strength to get up and try to remember what he'd done and why he'd done it. 

"Sammy!" Dean pounded on the door, and Sam clenched his jaw as the pounding grew louder. 

He rested his hands on the cool tile floor, and took deep breaths as the pounding slowed to a stop. 

"Sam, I know you can hear me," Charlie said. "Listen to me. It doesn't matter if Dean's mad or Cass is scared, because I know how you feel right now. Just breathe, okay?" 

Sam focused on her voice and slowly felt his muscles relax. He vaguely registered her shoving Dean out of the room, and telling Castiel to shut the hell up. 

"Sam, you there?" 

He tensed, but slowly replied. "Yes." 

"Good! I need you to tell me the story, okay?" 

"Uh, I mean, I don't even know why I have so many cuts. I don't remember doing it!" 

Charlie hummed. "Have you considered that maybe it's a curse or a fae?" 

Sam opened the door a crack. "What?" 

She met his eyes. "Yeah, dude! Maybe you just pissed off someone and they dug through your weaknesses!" She eyed him slightly. "Uh, maybe put on some pants and Cass can heal you."

He nodded. "Yeah, okay." 


	5. Don't Give Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sure, he lived in a hellish world. He fought every damned day of his life. But that didn't mean he hadn't found love. Sam had lost Jess and every woman since. He'd lost Gabe and his mother and his father. Sam had gone to Hell and come back, and even though he'd never truly be perfect again, he wouldn't give a single minute of it up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter's short because I suck. :)

Sam looked around at his family that he had created. Jack, Castiel, Mary, Bobby, and Dean. He wouldn't trade a single one of them for the world. It had been a year since the self-harm incident, and he was happy it was over.

"Hey, Sam?"

"Yeah, Jack?"

Jack bit his lip. "Would you ever consider getting a dog again?" 

Sam didn't even think twice. "Yeah! Totally." 

Jack grinned. "Could we get a dog?" 

Sam smiled, showing his dimples. "Sure, buddy." He patted Jack's shoulder and smiled at Castiel. Sure, he lived in a hellish world. He fought every damned day of his life. But that didn't mean he hadn't found love. Sam had lost Jess and every woman since. He'd lost Gabe and his mother and his father. Sam had gone to Hell and come back, and even though he'd never truly be perfect again, he wouldn't give a single minute of it up. 

**Author's Note:**

> dude askfjdskfjhjkf as much as i love supernatural fanfics with some sort of relationship, I think there should just be more where it stays true to canon characterization, but there's vulnerability ok thanks


End file.
